There was a Garth Brooks song from my childhood that I've been thinking about a lot lately. The chorus goes: "Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers." Now, I firmly believe that God doesn't leave prayers unanswered. I remember reading once that God answers prayers in one of three ways: yes, no, and wait. Now for those of you who know me, who know that I couldn't even wait for my third trimester to come out of the womb, you would probably think that the 'wait' is what would occupy my mind more often than not. And normally, you would be right. But it's the 'no's' that I've received this past year that have been giving me pause.
When this year started out, I thought I knew exactly how it was going to go. I was starting what I hoped my turn into a long term relationship with a guy that I've known since I was little, and I was going to finally move out of my house and in with my best friend. Life was going to be good. After waiting almost 25 long years, the independent, adventure (and possibly romance) filled life that I had been secretly hoping for was beginning. Or so I thought.
But instead of fulfilled dreams, these past months have been filled with a lot of heavenly no's. The guy I had hoped, foolishly, might be "the one", ended up ignoring me more than talking to me, ruining my first kiss, and in the end blaming my hurt on my own high expectations. I know, in part that I had gotten ahead of myself where this relationship was concerned, but I also know that the hurt was not all my doing to myself. Honestly, after feeling that rejection and like I wasn't worthy of being listened to or sought after in any way besides physical... well lets just say my shaky self confidence took a hit in those couple of months that hasn't been able to heal yet.
Maybe that's why I started putting so much stock in the other half of my hopes for this year. Or maybe I'm a bit of a magnet for toxic relationships lately. Regardless, after months of planning, my dream of a move with my friend died a slow and drawn out death. God gave me another 'no', and a different place to live, still outside of my hometown. She made new choices. I respect that, but unfortunately can not support all of them. It has resulted in some interesting realizations for me, as well as some painful decisions.
I finally realized that I had been putting these relationships in a place they hadn't earned and didn't deserve to be. I had put them ahead of my relationship with God. I had allowed them to take this past year of my life and consume me to the point that I couldn't see myself anymore, only them. I tied my worth to how the relationships were going, how their lives were going, and I stopped living my own. I'm not saying this is their fault. I see my own, rather sizable part in this very clearly. And that is why I made the heart wrenching decision in each case to walk away.
I still love these people. I still pray for them. I hope this time apart is just a brief set back and not a complete severing of relationship. And I hope that they realize that I am and will always be here for them if they ever need me. I'm sure it's difficult to understand how that truth can live side by side with the fact that I need space. It isn't always an easy situation for me either. But I finally care enough about God to tell Him I'm putting Him first, as well as showing Him that. There was a time I thought I couldn't live without these relationships. God has kindly shown me I was wrong, even if the learning has hurt. I read once in a Dee Henderson novel, "Don't make me choose between you and God because you'll lose." It's taken more tears and hurt and time than I would like to admit to get me to the point where I am taking a stand to make that true in my life.
And I finally care enough about myself to want God's best for me. Not my best for me. Thank the good Lord that His best is so much better than what I think is best. His answers of no this year has taught me that. It's also what has me claiming this year for myself; doing my best to be open to change no matter how difficult; has me stepping outside that comfort zone; and has me working to remember who I am in Him. Those around me who truly love me and see me, they seem to think I'm pretty fantastic. I want to be able to believe that again. See it for myself.
So this is me, thanking God for saying no. It was exactly the right answer Lord. But then, you knew that already.
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