They say time heals all wounds. I suppose that's true if the wounds are treated properly and allowed to heal, but that's not always the case is it? I've started to realize how painful healing can be - both my own, and that of people close to my heart. It's such a ridiculous ongoing process, where thoughts, doubts, fears of facing what's really wrong in your life or making the wrong decision ping pong through your mind, not only exhausting you to the core, but giving you a headache... that is if the crying hasn't already done so.
Some pain in life cuts deep to the center of who you are - giant, gaping, festering wounds that I don't think ever really go away. These can't be quick fixed, you can't slap a band-aid over them, hope it heals properly and then ignore it...
No these are the types of wounds that need to be taken care of properly. That might mean sucking out the poison of a bad situation; slow, uncomfortable stitches to close up the hole that's left; several rounds of antibiotics (which for us women tends to be long crying sessions and chocolate); or maybe you have to do all three. None of these options are passive. They require noticing, naming, confronting the area of pain, and doing something about it.
This is far from easy; in fact it is probably one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. And it will hurt. There will be days when the healing process might hurt more than the actual pain you're healing from. But pretending there isn't a problem, that everything is okay, putting a band-aid on something that needs surgery won't help anyone, least of all you. Instead, it will allow infection to spread to other parts of your body, other parts of your life, until all you feel is hurt; hurts and issues piled up so high you don't know how to begin to fix things.
I know what I'm talking about. After almost ten years of band-aids and happy faces, I'm facing my wounds whether I want to or not. And some days I would love to stop going down this painful path of healing, but God's started me on this journey, and with His help and guidance I'm going to make it through, one day, one step at a time. Revelation by revelation, He's showing me what's wrong in my life, naming my pains and diseases: grief, loneliness, bitterness, anger, not to mention issues with abandonment and trust, and a whole slew of others. Yup, I'm just a hot mess of problems, but I think if I start to let myself truly heal, I'll only have scars as a reminder of how far I've come.
Today isn't an easy day for me. Mom would have been 51 today. I guess life might have been easier when I ignored days like this, reminders of time lost and memories that can no longer be made, but even shoving aside those realizations didn't make me feel any better. So instead, I'm recognizing today for what it is, and letting myself grieve for moments that I can no longer physically share with my Mom. She will always be in my heart, but I am finally acknowledging that that heart is broken. I needed to realize that, to feel the pain, to let myself cry if I need to, to finally start healing that broken heart like it needs to be healed.
I'm not that far into this process, and it does hurt, but I can't wait to see what God has for me down the road as he helps me along this path. You might be hurting too. Maybe I know about it, maybe no one does, but please don't wait as long as I did to rip off the band-aid and take care of the hurt like it so desperately needs you to. You don't have to do it alone. I'm here, loving you through the hurt, and I'm praying for you. Always.
<3 Kayla
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