The Real Me

  As we get close to the end of the first month of this new year, specifically in the last two days, something has been circling in my mind. It's the last lines in a poem I wrote, entitled Hindsight.

"I comb back through the memories
And I struggle now to see
Why I thought that gaining you
Was worth the cost of losing me."

  That is how the beginning of this year has been for me. Looking back at this last year and realizing how close I came to completely losing myself to gain relationships. Me. The person who is always saying that I don't know how to be anyone other than myself. I've had people tell me how real I am and how rare that is. To know that I hid or compromised part of myself for anyone is not only scary, it's sad. I would keep quiet and not give my real opinion, or massively sugar coat it. (Think caramel apple, dipped in white chocolate, rolled in cinnamon sugar. And buy one if you're ever in Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory.)
  I am very grateful for the people in my life who told me the truth even when I didn't want to hear it. The ones who prayed for me, even when all I was asking for was prayer for other people. They helped open my eyes. Which is why I can sit here right now and look back with hindsight, and why I can have foresight in future relationships.
  But I'm also realizing how much I forgot about myself. Last year made me stuff a lot of what I liked to do (before these past relationships) down. I was harsher on myself, basically expecting perfection that doesn't exist. I was suddenly more serious. And I was very weighed down. That definitely made it in to my writing. Every poem I wrote last year had a weight to it. Every now and then it had hope too, but the heaviness seemed to be predominant. That's not me. And I don't want it to be. Life can get heavy enough without that being my default emotion.
  So today, when the internet playlist hit an old Matchbox 20 song, one that immediately reminded me of riding around with my brother and his friends with the CD player cranked up loud, I danced around like an idiot. I LOVE doing that! I also secretly love any song that reminds me of growing up with my brother or my dad. (Yes Dad... I do consider us having grown up together... although one of us matured a bit faster. :P) I still smile every time Cher's version of "In His Kiss" comes on at the grocery store, because all I can remember is listening to that cassette in Mom and Dad's room and jumping up and down on the bed. THAT is me.
  Sitting around the kitchen table with my cousin Steph, laughing until the tears are rolling down our faces, and then not remembering what on earth we were laughing about... THAT is me. (Seriously, what was so funny anyway?)
  Having Grandma mishear "keys" as "Steve" when I told Dad I locked them in the office, and having that spawn a whole crazy story about Steve being a French Prince, wearing brightly colored 90's pants that wants to marry me... THAT is totally me! (There's a story. I promise that in some weird way it makes sense...)
  I am a mess sometimes... but I'm also usually the one to find the humor in the mess. I don't need to be perfect, and more-over I'm starting to get to the point that I don't want to be! It's a good place to be... especially going in to a new book. Getting back in touch with the real me, is making me realize that my characters have to be real like that too. Big messes with a sense of humor and a boat load of heavenly grace. Me in a nutshell. :D

Now enjoy a song that I kind of consider me:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfmkgQRmmeE

<3 Kayla