Trust Me

  Trust. Risk. Know. For me, these are some of the scariest words in the English language. And yet it's what we crave most in life. So why is it so hard? Why are we so afraid of getting close to people? Hurt. We want to save ourselves from it, protect ourselves from the pain that comes with rejection... but by playing it safe, by not opening up and just hiding inside ourselves, aren't we just hurting ourselves more?
  I'm not bringing up this topic because I have all the answers. I've barely started asking the questions much less answering them. It's usually tough for me to really open up, to be honest with myself, with others, with God. Letting people in to the mess that can be my life has me second guessing myself. I apologize if I dwell on one topic for longer than a day or two... like I'm inconveniencing or annoying those closest to me by being honest. But I'm learning that I'm not.
  These words, and the actions behind them have to begin with me. I have to trust my friends with all the messy parts of me. Trust them enough to ask for help or prayer. Trust that they won't tire of my repeating the same issue over and over (and that if they do, they'll be honest and tell me). I have to risk my heart, my feelings. I have to risk being honest about myself to let people really know me, despite the fear that really knowing me will send them running for the hills.
  I have a few people in my life that I have opened up to like this. I don't hesitate to be honest with them. To text them if I need something, even if it's just a quick prayer. I try to stop apologizing all the time, especially for truth. We don't BS each other, and if we try to, we call each other on it. We don't gloss over the bad. We go deeper than the surface level. We even pick up on nuances in texts, understanding that a quick, "I'm fine," to the question "How are you?", needs a follow up: "What's wrong? How are you really?"
  And in contrast, I have other people in my life... people I want this kind of relationship with. People I open myself up to. I have trusted my feelings, risked my heart, let them know a little more of the real me than most people know... and I have been let down. They don't reciprocate. They seem to hesitate to really open up to me. They keep things surface level; movies, music, weather, when I want heart-deep thoughts and feelings. Texts or letters go unanswered, and I start second guessing. I wonder why or how I let myself get so invested. I don't understand what I did wrong.
  But, it's not always about what I did wrong. Some people just aren't compatible with us for a deep, class five friendship. Some people are just as scared about trusting and risking and knowing, so they don't let themselves. Some people have been hurt by deep relationships before. Maybe that's why they hesitate. We really can't know unless they open up and tell us.
  So what do you do? What do you do when you reach out and they don't reach back? It would be so easy to just give up on them. Turn your back and think, if you aren't willing to put in an effort here, neither am I. No one wants to be the only one trying in any relationship. And for the relationships that hurt you, that bring you down, that have more negatives than positives, I think walking away is the right option. But sometimes, for the people that are important to you but seem to be hesitating, you have to keep reaching, keep trying, let them know that you are there when they are ready for what you're offering. Do your best not to make things awkward or more difficult for them. If they want to keep things surface level until they're comfortable, than stay in the shallow end until they're ready to wade into the deep with you... and hopefully one day they will be.
  And if you've been hurt badly by a deep relationship gone wrong, or rejection, I was reminded of this in my morning read: "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes." (Psalm 118: 8-9) This doesn't mean don't trust anyone. I think it just means that trusting in God, taking refuge in Him, isn't a risk for us. He already knows us completely and loves us completely, and He is trustworthy. There is no human relationship that can promise that from the start. So try to remember that when you feel hurt or let down by men or women in your life. Do your best to let go of that relationship, or at least the difficult feelings of it, and take refuge. I know that's what I'm trying to do today, and in the days and weeks to come.
<3 Kayla