Loss is a part of life. I became fairly aware of this at a young age, and keep getting reminders over the years. Honestly though, I had sincerely hoped that my friends wouldn't have to go through the kinds of losses I have, at least not until they're in their forties or fifties... Unfortunately, I can't control life, or what happens in it. So here I sit as friends grieve, at a loss for how to be the most help to them, offer comfort or support in trying times.
I always appreciated honesty. Hearing "I'm sorry" over and over again wasn't comforting. It got kind of repetitive and annoying actually. It did make it easier to zone out and just nod between condolences, but I just wanted people to say this sucks! Because it does. I often wondered what people were apologizing for anyway. It made me want to ask why? It's not like they had caused the pain I was going through, the tears I was crying...
But now, being on the other end, it's a difficult water to navigate, to know what to say. Everything sounds flat, cliche, ridiculous, not at all capturing the emotions, the grief that I am partially sharing with those I love; and nothing I say can make the hurt better, or make it go away.
One of the things I've noticed is that despite everyone's support early on, it eventually wanes and people expect things to go back to normal for us because it has for them. But these losses, these hurts, don't go away, don't conform to a time table. They become part of us. They may fade to dull roars, ache a little less, but they're always there. In the passing thoughts of loved ones gone, in all the events both big and small that you slowly realize they aren't going to be there for, in a shared memory of joy that now brings just a hint of that pain because you know it can never be duplicated... I know them all in detail, and I hurt to know that now some of you, my dearest friends, will find the truth in these words.
Please know, I'm here for you. Not just in the tough initial days, where grief is raw and tears come quickly, but always. That's not just something I'm saying to be nice, it's something that I mean from the bottom of my heart. I've been where you are now, through losses of parent and pet, both such different feelings, but both loved with a love that has yet to be equaled, and I want to be there for you, even if I can't be there in person. I'm good with 2am phone calls, visits at any time, texts, emails, whatever you need. Even if it's months or years from now. And I'm praying.
For those of you who haven't had to deal with the loss of someone you love, please live these words: Don't let anything go unsaid. I tell people I love them at then end of every phone call, every visit, even in passing, because I want to know that if that's the last time I see them, they knew I loved them. Don't take life and the people in it for granted. They won't be here forever, so enjoy the time you have with them. Do your best to make sure there are no regrets. Make the happy memories, savor the blessings of them in your life now, so that when the day comes where you have to deal with everything I mentioned above, you'll have that remembered joy and shared laughter to help balance out that pain; so that one day you can feel all the good feelings from your time with them, and it will finally outweigh the hurt.
<3 Kayla
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