I've been thinking about honesty lately. It's not my fault. Everything in my life seems to keep pointing back to it. I consider myself a very honest person. I mean, I won't out and out tell someone they look terrible if they do, because that would be rude and I am not a fan of hurting people's feelings (although it does happen on occasion without meaning to). But I was the kind of person growing up who wouldn't tell my brother's friends that he wasn't home if they called and he didn't particularly want to talk to anyone. He actually went into the bathroom once and stood in the shower so that I could honestly say he was in the shower. True story.
Anyway, because I so enjoy honesty, I like to think of myself as an open book, but I've been realizing that to an extent that isn't true. I tend to sequester myself, choosing hiding out in my room over going out into the world, and I realized this week that this is because I've been lying to myself.
The first lie I can remember telling was in elementary school. I told a teacher I was going to get a drink when I really went and got the 'cool girls' coats for them because they had stupidly went outside in the cold rain in their t-shirts. (I would like to point out that they had asked to get them themselves, but the teacher wouldn't let them because she said that they should have brought them out to begin with. I personally still think this is bad supervision on her part, and kind of irresponsible seeing as her refusal to let them get their coats could have caused them to get sick, but I digress...) I did this so that these girls would accept me. Ridiculous I'm aware, but when you're 10 this seems important. I ended up getting caught in my lie by the principal, who made me feel as if I was the scum of the earth for ever trying to lie to her (which I actual had, but only because I had misunderstood her question and she wouldn't let me talk after I gave her my answer).
I went home crying to my mom, feeling like an awful person, and from that day on, I hated lying. I avoided it at all costs, and I told myself that if I had to lie to be popular than I wanted no part of it. I went out of my way to be completely different from all of the 'cool kids', and that included becoming a room hermit. But hiding to avoid rejection isn't any better than lying to obtain it. I realized that doing my devotional yesterday. I know God wants me to live honestly, but he also just wants me to live! And live knowing that I'm enough for him because he is enough for me. (By the way, if I haven't said it a couple times already, loving Holley Gerth's devotional, God's Heart for You... Her chapter on being Enough, is what sparked this whole thought process.)
I also know that God wants me to write honestly, which brings me to another topic. I was looking at the publication specifications for a Christian line of a popular publishing house, and I was shocked at all their limitations. It basically said: No swear words, or stand ins for swear words such as heck or darn; no alcohol consumption; no card playing or gambling; the main characters should never be alone together in a romantic situation unless they are married; and no lying will be tolerated. Okay, now I'm all for waiting til your married to have sex (which is another post entirely), and like I said I'm a very honest person, but I think that if we portray Christians like this in print, then we aren't portraying them honestly! Or are we just supposed to be perfect when we become Christians? (If we are, I did not get that memo.)
Here's a news flash for everyone, Christian or not, WE'RE ALL HUMAN! And as humans, we general suck. That's right we suck. We're selfish, living sometimes only by our basic human desires, and talking and acting without thought. Christians are not exempt from this behavior. We just know where to go for forgiveness, and who to ask to help us change, because like it or not we can't change on our own, because we're just human. In my opinion, not having Christians deal with issues of addiction, sex, lying, etc. is crazy. If we can't show how to deal with these issues with God guiding us, then how do we expect people around us to learn how to deal with them with God guiding them? Just an honest question from a girl trying to live honestly.
<3 Kayla
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