The Trust Issue

  I'll be one of the first people to admit that I have trust issues.  Opening up, letting someone really see the real me is hard, not to mention scary.  There are times where I don't even trust myself, or my judgment... especially with my writing...
  You see, last week, when I wandered over to Seekerville to read Julie's blog post about how to inject humour into your writing, I took a chance.  I submitted a couple of snippets of my own writing that I thought were funny, as requested, thinking that if Julie said she liked them, I would be ecstatic!  She did, and I was.  What I didn't count on was winning the contest, and having her use some of my writing in her next segment about humour!
  I read that on Saturday morning and honestly had to get up to do a happy dance around my room!  My favourite author just chose me out of all of the wonderful ladies that posted as the one with her favourite funny line.  (Eva felt the need to say 'she told me so', that I am funny.  I still say, I have my moments.)  I emailed Seekerville right away with my elated response, and they forwarded it to Julie.
  I don't think I really expected Julie to e-mail me back, so when she did, I opened her e-mail with joy... and instantly started second guessing that she meant to choose me.  You see she said that she loved my joke and was making me my own subcategory in her next post she liked it so much.  But I didn't consider any of my lines as 'joke' material.  "There had been that joke about the Eskimo that had been rather amusing," I thought to myself, wondering if that was the post she had meant to pick.  All of the other great things she said and asked (she wanted me to send her more of my writing to see if she might use it in the post in March) worried me instead of exciting me.  After all, I couldn't take credit for a joke I didn't write, even if it meant she would be looking at more of my work.
  So I took all day wondering if I should e-mail her back and try to clear up these doubts assailing me.  And I did... I tried to mention it with the utmost tact and apologize for second guessing her decision, and finally sent it last night.  Then I turned my computer off, almost afraid of what her response would be.  "I'll read it in the morning," I decided, ever the procrastinator, but more so when an outcome has me scared and not trusting myself... or God for that matter.
  Why do I do that?  Listen to that little voice that tells me I'm not good enough, that these wonderful things couldn't possibly be meant to be happening to me?  Why do I forget that God has plans for me?  Plans to prosper, not harm.  Hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11 seems to slip from my mind when I probably need it most.  Something that, again, is my own fault.
  I think trust is the hardest thing to train yourself to do, and one of the easiest things you can lose.  I've been hurt by people before... people that I had trusted to love me and consider me when making decisions in their lives.  Hurt by people who choose to ignore my attempts to reach out or apologize.  Hurt by people who tell me that 'I'm lucky I'm smart', or make fun of my lack of a social life.  Jokes can hurt.  These things have me holding people at arms length at times, something I'm trying desperately to change.  But pulling that wall down to let people in is taking time... and cutting me off from trusting myself and my God.
  One thing God keeps proving to me though is that he is eternally trustworthy.  Even when I doubt him, he gives me blessings, keeps wooing me back to him with the amazing road he's set before me, and pulls another brick down from that wall.  So when I opened Julie's reply this morning, and was assured that it was me and my writing that she had meant to choose, I almost felt like God was telling me the same thing.  It wasn't a mistake, or a mix up.  I just need to learn to trust.  Trust the gifts he's given me, trust the plans he has, trust HIM.
  Julie's opening line of 'Hey sweetie,' was a balm to my untrusting soul.  It's almost like she knows what it's like to think that some kind of horrible mistake has been made, and it wasn't your writing that was picked to win, and wanted to put me at ease.  (I'm pretty sure she does know about those doubts... I believe I've read a journal jot about it.)  Then she pasted the 'joke' I had submitted, the one that she had loved, and had won me this contest:  Well, I halfway tried to look halfway decent. That means I look, what, a quarter of the way decent? Math was never my favourite subject. A little self deprecating, I know, but I think it's honest enough that it could be a step towards letting people in.  To Jamie's world (since it's her book that this line comes from), and subsequently into my world.  Perhaps that in itself is another brick down in the wall, which is a step towards trusting if I ever saw one.
<3 Kayla