Hello, my name is Kayla, and on occasion I can be a basket-case, drama queen, with aforementioned trust issues. If you happened to read my last post, this is not a shock to you. My very human, mild meltdown kind of outlined my opening confession, but the first step to change is admitting you have a problem right?
I expect too much of myself. This seems like an odd confession to me, because for so long I haven't expected much from myself at all. Get up, read, watch TV, eat, work (sometimes), bed, repeat. That was life for the better part of two years. That was existing rather than living. That was part of the basis of Cass's problems, as well as my own. So now, after getting out of that rut, apologizing to God for all the time I wasted, and doing my best to move forward, I've gone from one extreme to another. Now, I push myself to rush projects that should be lovingly nurtured.
After (basically) finishing the basement, and putting my writing on hold for those months, I told myself that now I need to jump into my writing like a full time job, and focus on that, and only that. Hello problem one. Making something that I love, that I'm passionate about, into a 'job' where I should put in eight hours a day and get the most done I possibly can is not conducive to any kind of good creative process, I'm learning. At least not for me.
I went to bed last night discouraged, second guessing every word I've pretty much ever written, praying that sleep and rest would give me better perspective going into my writing today. I got up, and decided to read my devotional book instead of just continuing on in my Bible, and Holley told a story today that really got to me. It's about a light bulb who wants so desperately to shine that he goes to classes, reads books on shining brighter, wakes up every morning thinking "I can do this; I am a light bulb, I will shine brightly!" (This may be a misquote, but you get the idea) Nothing happens for him until one day, he's plugged in to an outlet. He had to be plugged into the power source before he could shine.
That is what I've been missing. I've been relying on myself to write better, write more, force flow and empathy for characters. I've been exhausted, trying to shine in this place, with this gift God has given me as a writer... but I need to be plugged in to my power source, plugged in to God, getting my energy from him. Difficult for this controlling, mistrusting girly to do, but I'm going to burn out if I don't learn how soon.
So, today I worked out; for me, not for other people. I want to feel better about myself, work on my stamina and physical energy levels. I cleaned upstairs and the basement, feeling a sense of accomplishment that staring at a computer screen freaking myself out the last couple of days hasn't given me. I decided to start a new project that has nothing to do with writing. My photo wall in the basement should keep me occupied for a week or so. I'm going to call my Aunt Lena when I'm done this blog, and schedule some time to see her soon. I'm going to catch up on an episode of Bones I missed before the new episode tonight. And after all of that, I'll open Microsoft Word, and see if I can do some writing. No pressure, just an honest continuation from where I left off.
So I guess, without meaning to, I'm creating some resolutions for myself. Exercise every day, even if it's just a walk, and I want to pair that with eating healthier. (Tomorrow is grocery day, and I'm really considering doing a meal plan for the week ahead). Work on projects and odd jobs to give myself a feeling of accomplishment outside of writing. Do a better job of keeping in touch with family and friends, through phone calls, texts, e-mails and letters. (That's when you hand write what you want to say on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope with a stamp on it and put it in one of those red shiny boxes in front of the post office... for you youngsters that didn't know. :P) Relax! Not all day, but take time out for the shows I like and stop feeling bad about it. And lastly, write, but don't force it. Do as much as I can every day, but don't stress about it. A chapter a day is a decent goal, but if it doesn't happen or it's stressing me out, I'm going to step back and get some perspective before trying to move forward.
Hello, my name is Kayla, and I am an occasional basket-case, drama queen (curse of a fiction writer), with aforementioned trust issues. But I'm working on it.
<3 Kayla
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