We all hide from pain, don't we? Physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, we avoid pains in these areas at all costs. And when it comes, despite our best efforts to dodge it, we try our best to ignore it, forget it, pretend it never happened. Some of us are good at it, we've had so much practice. We can put on a happy face, smile like we mean it, even while our hearts are breaking; master actors at the top of our class. Others dwell on the pain quietly, letting it eat at our hearts and souls until we're exhausted.
Pain unfortunately is a part of our world. No matter how much we hide, avoid, ignore, it's still there waiting to hit us like a ton of bricks, and pain usually brings friends: regret, bitterness, shame, guilt. How do we deal with it all? Pretending it isn't there doesn't help us heal, and dwelling just makes the pain multiply.
The answer is unfortunately something I struggle with in more areas in my life than I'd care to admit: balance. We need to acknowledge the pain, because seeing it, naming it, allowing ourselves to feel it helps bring about healing. We shouldn't, however, lose ourselves so much to the pain that it's all we know. In the midst of feeling it, we also need to let ourselves feel lighter emotions: love, joy, peace, etc. I'm aware how terribly complicated that sounds, but on some of the darkest days of my life, when I wasn't relying on myself to make it through, when I didn't try to control every emotion I was feeling, I found this balance.
It was Mom's visitation. I think I was in a dress... a very foreign concept to me at thirteen (almost fourteen). I had school teachers, friends of the family, and distant relatives all expressing how sorry they were for my loss. I had spent the last few days mad at a happy, sun-shining world, wondering if they understood that everything in my life had fallen apart and that happiness and sunshine had no business existing in this new world I was living in.
And yet... I found laughter that day. I've always considered Ryan Carroll like a brother, and he never left Randy's side for long that week. I remember him bending his knees, complaining about standing for too long, and I remember making a joke. I told him to sit down, he was making me tired. He quipped back that I should stand up because I was making him lazy... and I smiled. Later, Miss Deb (a wonderful friend, and basically an adoptive mother to me) brought her son Russ with her. Somehow he got me laughing, and at one point, when he was sitting on my lap, I asked Deb if she could control her son. I believe I got an "Oh, honey, don't I wish?" Even though I pretended to be annoyed at his antics, I don't think I could ever really thank him enough for helping me find laughter in the midst of pain... a true gift of balance that I have yet to duplicate in my life.
Pain is inevitable in this world. Of that, I am more than sure. But bottling it up won't help you any more than letting it run your life. Balance, my friends, is the answer... no matter how much I wish it wasn't. :P If you're in pain, I hope you find that counterbalance... and I hope you'll feel comfortable enough to let me know about it so I can pray for you. I'm off to find my own balance between my first draft of my novel, and my re-write. Maybe say a prayer for me too eh?
<3 Kayla
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