Deep Breath

I'm not completely sure how it happened; how I let everything in my life pile up until I actually felt like I couldn't breathe.  It's not like my life is currently unbearable, like it has been at certain times in the past, but for some reason I felt like I was suffocating today.
It's not just the basement project (which seems to be moving along much faster than I had anticipated), or the book (which isn't moving very quickly at all... something I will try to remedy this week); it's that plus all the little things... Every single thing I don't like about myself, that I keep vowing I'll try to change and end up failing; every nagging thought, doubt and fear; and feeling like I'm completely alone.
I'm not telling you this to make you feel sorry for me, or to make those of you who have had to cancel plans with me lately feel guilty (because I completely understand why things didn't work out for those days)... I don't know, maybe I'm saying this so that you know that you aren't alone in feeling alone, being upset with yourself or feeling drained when you feel like you have no reason to be.  It happens to me too, more so lately than I would like.
So when I got that feeling today, when my chest seemed to be too tight like I couldn't breathe in enough air, I went for a walk... alone.  Well not completely alone I guess... I prayed.  I prayed that God would leave my bench on the dock by the lake empty so I could sit and talk to him, and he came through for me in that small little gift.  My bench was free and I spent probably a good thirty minutes just letting him know what was on my mind... whether it was a coherent thought, or my mind rambling.  I took a couple deep breaths of fresh air, enjoyed a gorgeous sunset and watched the playful antics of the ducks that are still roaming about on the still waters.
I felt so much like I imagine my character Cass feels, and every time I start feeling like that, I wonder if maybe God isn't isolating me a bit so that I can write Cass from a completely real and true spot in my heart, mind and soul.  I sat at the lake imagining Cass doing the same thing, and wondering how she is going to deal with all of the jumble of emotions going on inside her, when I can't even recognize them in myself most times.  But it gave me insight into her once again, and refreshed my longing to tell her story, and attempt to figure her out.
This feeling of being alone also pushes me to realize more that God is there, just waiting for me to reach out for him.  Perhaps another reason I need to be a tad isolated.  If this is what it takes to push me more towards him and more towards the writing he wants me to do, I guess I can't argue... not that I could anyway.  But at least it's nice to see that there is a purpose for every time under the sun, including being "alone".
For those of you feeling similar feelings of loneliness, try to make time to go outside, enjoy nature, say a little prayer of your own, and maybe even listen to another Lady A song (I know, I'm addicted).  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4yRsT_fPic  I pray this for you my friends.  You aren't really alone, and I hope you can realize that in a million little ways in the days to come.  Keep your eyes out for those small gifts God sends.  Take a deep breath with me and keep moving forward.
<3 Kayla